Tony Mendina's Laws of Physics
and Handy Rules for Success

Gathered Here for Your Reading Pleasure

What's this for? Like you, I keep noticing that there are certain rules to my life. I thought I'd list these as I think of them. Feel free to suggest more if I've missed one.

Law 1:

"It's not the job, its the sequencing:" To change the oil you must clean the garage to get to the oil collecting pan. To clean the garage you must throw out all your old clothes. To throw out all your old clothes, you've got to try them on first. To try them on, you really feel you ought to loose ten pounds. To loose ten pounds will take 3 months. AGGGHHH! So where do you get started? (Patrick McManus provided the quote.)

Law 2:

One sign you're taliking with a fanatic is that they respond to arguments you didn't make--it tells you that they've got it all memorized. There is no help for these people. They can provide hours of amusement, though!

Law 3:

The more complicated something is, the more likely it is to be explained by simple rules or a simple rule. Look at fractals: one of the most complex things in the universe is completely defined by y=sin 1/x, x<1. Biology, chemistry, physics, politics, all have similar examples.

Law 4:

Things are always in the last place you look, because once you find something, you stop looking for it, right? This doesn't seem to apply to romance, though.

Random bit of useless trivia: Deontology is ethics based on duty; it is sometimes called the ethics of means. Teleology--which I've sometimes seen spelled telology--is ethics based on utility; it's usually called the ethics of ends.

Law 5:

Having to put up with stupidity you can't change will eventually cause psychosis. Best to get another job, they're easier to come by than brain transplants. (thanks to Jason Fitzmaurice)

Law 6:

Mosquitos have the highest irritation to weight ratio of anything in the world. (thanks to Fredrik Anstrom)

Law 7:

Choose a career that makes you happy, not the one your parents/friends/spouse wants you to have. You will not only be better at it, you'll be a lot happier. (one of my Father's rules of life)

Law 8:

One shoe will always become untied much faster than the other one will.

Law 9:

Put all the bolts in and tighten them a turn or two with your fingers before you tighten any of them all the way. Otherwise, you'll find that the last one won't be lined up, and you'll have to undo all the rest of them to loosen things up and jimmy the pieces into place.

Law 10:

If you don't think you're up to the challenge, look at the trail ahead. Is it full of water bottles? No real hiker or rock-climber would litter. If the trail is full of water bottles, any city slicker can do it. Is the trail full of beer bottles? Then a drunken city slicker can do it!

Law 11:

"What happens twice will happen thrice." One of anything could be unique. But if there's two, expect a third. And a fourth. Especially if it's chigger bites or annoying people. The weather works this way, too.

Law 12:

"Of course you hate your work. You're the artist." Engineers, housepainters, mechanics, salesmen—women and men from every walk of life take pride in a job well done. Except for those who create art. They usually dislike their products; some can't bear to look at themselves, while others burn everything they write. Go figure. (thanks to Jeffrey Seidman for the quote.)

A quick rant: World War I might be the worst idea anyone ever had. Millions of people, people like us, got killed because some countries (now firm alies) were afraid that others of their now-allies might become too influential in European politics. There are plenty of bad ideas (like burning people for "heresy"), but this one was real lulu. 400,000 soldiers from one side might die in a single battle. Shouldn't someone have made sure that all this had a point?

Law 13:

Every additional advertisement decreases the value of every other advertisement. I wish more advertising people would realize this! As the number of commercials per hour of TV increases, the value of each commercial decreases. As their numbers grow, the disincentive to watch them is stronger, since there are more of them and the cumulative annoyance becomes greater. This is true in other areas, too. The first time I saw a city bus that was entirely covered in one big ad, from roof to hubcaps, I was interested and impressed. Nowadays, I don't even notice busses like that any more. The more ads there are, the greater degree each one of them looses the battle for attention.

Law 14:

The less television you watch, the less tolerance for television you will have. I accidentally stopped watching TV during high school; I just got too busy. I've never really recovered from that. Once in a while, I can watch a show I'm especially interested in by taping it and skipping the insipid ads for greatest hits collections and hemorrhoid remedies, but not often. And sometimes, I'm so exhausted and distracted that TV seems fun. But most of the time, I'm driven away halfway through the first commercial break, and I don't come back for days. And the "bandwidth" of television is so slow! A good movie director has a good sense of pacing. I can read a book as fast as I want. But TV has to be watched at about two miles an hour. I'd rather sit on my patio and watch squirrels. They, at least, don't try and sell me a trip to Las Vegas.

Law 15:

Just because you know exactly what to do doesn't mean it will go quickly.

Law 16:

On the other hand, if you don't know what to do, then whatever-it-is will take forever, or what feels like it.

Law 17:

Good-looking women should not complain to their single male friends that they're not "getting any" or not being asked out. That is, unless you want us to remind you that it's worse for us; in which case, complain away.

The Last Law:

It's never the job, it's the sequencing. See Law #1.